Obviously I still have lingering “big feelings” that revolve around food and not being properly fed, because I found this part of [C - - - - - - -‘s first name removed 8/01/20011 4:11 pm] post to be quite triggering. I find the thought of messing with a child’s food to be unimaginable, regardless of the circumstances.
This is the space where I had the quote that [C- - - - - - First name removed 8/01/2011] asked me to remove, even though I believe that the way I used the quote was permissible under fair use. I have no interest in being involved in blog war. I was merely trying to have a discussion.
[S- - - - - - U- T- - - - - - - Blog name removed on my own accord 8/01/2011 4:18 pm] Therapeutic 101 [link removed with out being asked 7/29/2011 12:01am]
And this is what I have to say about that:
“I found this post interesting and informative. In our household we are a family, we eat as a family and the right to eat as a family is inalienable. Being the child of an adoptee who *I feel* had lingering food issues, having been not feed when said parent always managed to feed herself well, having ended up as a foster child myself….I *personally* see feeding my children as my obligation regardless of their behavior. And the thought of using food on any level as a consequence for behavior which is not directly food related is completely out of the question, *for me*. in our house everyone has the right to eat whatever anyone else is having or chose off the [kid’s] menu wherever we are, and if they chose not to they have every right to makes themselves a PB&J (including Mr. Sunday) as I am not a short order cook and I do not go out of my way to present food that I know some doesn’t like. I believe in equal access. Furthermore, it would seem to me that messing with the food of a traumatized child struggling with deep-seated and understandable trust and survival issues, would in my humble opinion be counterproductive.”
I guess, I just have a very hard time with seeing a child’s access to food as a privilege.
[Updated 8/01/2011 4:30 pm: I am saddened about the way this has been handled, but again, everyone has the right to their own opinions and perceptions, and while I do not agree with everyone’s, I do respect their right to have and express them. I would like to thank everyone who has commented on this post and I would hope that we can all move on from here, with our own individual lessons learned.]
Lydia · 714 weeks ago
courtney · 714 weeks ago
I have never, ever not fed my kids. That would cause major issues. Since my son LOVES PB&J I hardly call this being cruel.
Last, because of my copyright which is listed on the bottom of my blog, copying content from my blog without express permission is actually illegal. So, you need to remove this post immediately.
My recent post Therapeutic 101
Friend of Courtney · 714 weeks ago
!! :)
Your ole pal TJ · 714 weeks ago
traci · 714 weeks ago
Another Mama · 714 weeks ago
Then again, this comes from another "not a short order cook" mom who does NOT allow alternate food unless for allergies.
traci · 714 weeks ago
MMM · 714 weeks ago
I feel bad that you experienced what you did in childhood but that does not give you ANY right to criticize Courtney for how she safely chooses to discipline her child.
Would you be so irritated with a mom who does not allow her child dessert because the child did not eat their vegetables? I doubt you would and what Courtney described is a very similar scenario.
lilmorse · 714 weeks ago
GB's Mom · 714 weeks ago
My recent post Two Traumatized Kids
Campbell B. · 714 weeks ago
My recent post Can't get away
Binky · 714 weeks ago
Annie · 714 weeks ago
My recent post PROBLEM RESPONDING TO BLOGS
Dannie · 714 weeks ago
BTW for me I don't punish with food or with holidays and church. Some things may be tweaked, but those events should be left alone even if kids try to sabotage them....which is more often the case.
I hope you're having a good day. :)
My recent post Gotta love the search terms....
Chelsea · 714 weeks ago
sara97 · 714 weeks ago
So what was the particular punishment then? Because we're agreed this was a punishment, right? Or are you saying you did this because he didn't want to eat restaurant food and loves eating peanut butter and jelly while the rest of his family is eating tacos?
Also, if it wasn't a punishment, why did he feel bad? I would feel bad, too, if I was told I couldn't eat what the rest of my family was eating in public. And admittedly, you chose this punishement because you knew it would have an affect on him.
sara97 · 714 weeks ago
Again, I can certainly see having a talk with him about his inappropriate behavior, but refusing to listen to what he was feeling in that moment and why he was feeling it is just not kosher.
And as for the citing someone's quotes on your blog, really? This is accepted and common practice in the blog community. And stooping to threatening is just unncessary.
Furthermore, your child IS NOT a diagnosis. Your child is not RAD. Your child (may) have RAD. I put "may" because RAD is being widely overdiagnosed.
Fi_ · 714 weeks ago
(someone better tell the finalmaze people about all that legal stuff referencing others)
I couldn't post a comment on yesterdays post.... but thanks for the link to Jean Mercer's work. I stayed up for hours reading her.
shea · 714 weeks ago
Becca · 714 weeks ago
brenda · 714 weeks ago
traci · 714 weeks ago
Amy · 714 weeks ago
Sunday Koffron 64p · 714 weeks ago
Chantelle 62p · 714 weeks ago
My recent post washed by the water
Josie · 714 weeks ago
You simply cannot base an opinion about others parenting choices based on what you read somewhere else.
Parenting Coach · 714 weeks ago
Did Jesus shame the prostitutes or the lepers? No. He accepted them with love and understanding of their behaviors and disorders.
SHAME is not a part of parenting of any child.
DONE · 714 weeks ago
DLC · 714 weeks ago
Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't make them angry. Your love of children and desire to share what you've learned along life's journey are what make you a wonderful mother, wife and coach!
Again, haven't been to Courtney's, but some of her supporters have definitely not been "nice" on your blog and really made themselves look bad.
Sundaysnob · 714 weeks ago
Zombie · 714 weeks ago
Tanya · 714 weeks ago
Tanya · 714 weeks ago
Jen · 714 weeks ago
I don't know either one of you in real life and I only sort of know Courtney via her blog but I do think that for some strange reason, it has become common in mothering circles (especially via blogs) for moms to focus in on the specific details of how each little thing is done in a family, rather than focusing in on what is required of us in the Word.
Biblically, we are called as mothers to LOVE our children and to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. We are to teach and train them, to pray for them, to discipline them, to provide for them.
The little details are going to look different in each family. For instance, is it absolutely right or wrong to sleep with your child or for them to be in a crib? What about feeding them McDonald's once a week vs. never letting them have anything with trans-fats? How about the right age at which to get a cell phone? What about breast feeding vs. bottle feeding? Bedtime? Video games? never, some, or all day? to vaccinate or not? the list is a mile long
Obviously, there are WISER choices for some of these and based on our growth and knowledge of the Word and our maturity in Christ, we may decide something different than someone else. . . and years later, we may even do it differently than before because we have grown as a parent and as a person.
It is EXTREMELY challenging and difficult to parent a child with attachment issues, a child from hard places and I'm guessing that all of us TOTALLY mess it up at least some of the time (ever yelled at your kid in a moment of frustration?) BUT, as LOVING mothers who desire with all of our hearts to see our kids heal, we pray for God's Grace to cover our sin, we pray for strength and mercy and wisdom to know how to help them, and we keep loving, teaching, training, and hoping. . . and then we do it some more.
Courtney, in that moment, managed to communicate to her son that, YES, there are consequences to your actions, and YES!!! He is loved REGARDLESS of his actions. Isn't that what God does for us? He doesn't spare us from all consequence when we sin, but He also graciously STILL gives us good gifts (like Diet Coke!).
I understand why some would think that food is not the place to take issue (and probably for some kids that is true), but in some instances, it may be EXACTLY what is needed. For children dealing with trust issues have to know at their core that there are boundaries and that mom and dad really are in charge and are taking care of them. ALL of our children with attachment issues have seen HUGE progress with very high structure and discipline and also high nurture.
I remember reading a blog where they suggested giving their child a bag of jerky to carry around all day so they could feel more safe. I thought "wow. that is SO totally different than our family! Our kiddos NEVER have free access to the kitchen or snack drawer and I would NEVER (I think) give them a bag of jerky to carry around. They have all had lots of healing happen with a completely different style of "food" parenting. BUT, it doesn't make the other mom wrong for giving her child jerky. It makes her different.
It isn't a biblical issue.
and neither is feeding your child a pb and j at a restaurant.
However, what IS a biblical issue is the way we LOVE each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and how we speak the truth in LOVE to each other.
Unfortunately, there have been some backhanded and unloving comments on both blogs and from many people (on both "sides") over the past few days because people have felt hurt and attacked.
It should be possible to talk about different ideas and even to debate the pros and cons of an issue without being unloving to the other person. May God give us all the grace and wisdom to do so.
(I'm posting this in the comments on both blogs)
My recent post I'd Like to Adopt, But. . .
Laurie · 714 weeks ago
beemommy · 714 weeks ago
People who are not raising children of trauma need to be aware that things like sabotaging going out to eat is a control issue. If she had allowed his behavior to ruin the family's night out...he thought he'd won but then, in all reality, he's lost an opportunity for more family time. By offering him some of her coke...to a kid with RAD, that is love. That is acceptance regardless of his behavior. By verbalizing how he may be feeling....when our kids dissociate, they have no words for what they're feeling and by verbalizing it, she's throwing him a lifeline, something to either help him understand why he may be feeling like he does or to show him and the others, this may be what's going on and it's okay,, I'll always be there. So, in my humble opinion, until you've had to watch your eleven year old in handcuffs and shackles for assaulting his teacher, buried your daughter's hamster, talked to the firemen about how in the world he could be on the computer one second and within two minutes run and set a field on fire, had his hands pulling as hard on the seatbelt around your neck as he could.....don't judge. I don't judge people who experienced trauma as a child...that's not my history so I have no right. I don't judge my son but I do have to address his behaviors. Sorry for the long rant....guess that's my issue.
Cellie · 714 weeks ago
Wendi · 714 weeks ago
My recent post Do Hard Things
kathy · 714 weeks ago
Dannie · 714 weeks ago
Read the Post for goodness sakes.....the beginning says "this must trigger me because".......and then the post goes on.
If you all think this is bashing you all don't get out much....and yes I'm talking to traci, zombie, even courtney. I've stated it and now will state it again....everyone has the right to their opinions even if they disagree with your own. And we all make a choice to have a PUBLIC blog.....so ergo, if one makes the decision to have a PUBLIC blog, the consequences are that not everyone is going to be robotic and think just like another person. Sunday and I may not agree with every philosophy in life, I am not a follower of Courtney, however, I do read blogs where I may disagree more than agree because sometimes we learn something. When going back and forth gets into "why are you reading my blog" then it's time to make that blog private.
I'm sad as a person that professes to be an active Christian, to see all these nasty comments from another blog that is very much professing a Christian theme. I'm sure that's not how we should be talking to each other. Come and say you disagree because of x,y,z, but do it graciously and tactfully please!
Chaya · 714 weeks ago
The thing is, the difference between Courtney's decision and what I went through is EVERYTHING. First of all, it is so obvious that Courtney loves her kids and has their best interests in mind. Also, peanut butter and jelly is NOT shameful, it's quite nutritious, and I don't think there is anything wrong with her parenting in this situation. You're not her, you can't judge her, and you don't know her son's past history in order to intelligently comment on it. You're insinuating that she is hurting her child, and that's not only wrong, but quite hurtful. I realize that you don't fully understand RAD and its ramifications on a family. It's taken me a long time to come to this place, but RAD is very real, and it screws with the minds and self esteem of foster and adoptive parents, and other authority figures in a RAD child's life. To falsely accuse them of harming their child is that much more hurtful when the parent already goes through accusations like that every day.
These are just my two cents, coming from someone that knows both sides quite well.
Courtney · 714 weeks ago
What is there to gain?
More people threatening me?
More e-mails in my inbox?
Honestly, if you had anykind of heart you would drop this.
Courtney · 714 weeks ago
Is your hope to have my kids end up in foster care? The place that you write about being so awful? And how hard it was for you? Is that you intent? For my children who are deeply loved, attached, thriving, and healthy to end up being in foster care? Because that is where this is headed with the threats I have gotten and the way I have been painted as some awful mom who doesn't give her child "access" to food.
Courtney · 713 weeks ago
dickons 78p · 713 weeks ago
Sigh...I wish people could learn to read and comprehend INSTEAD of trying to read and create a rebuttal in their mind at the same time...