Say What? ~ To Tell The Truth

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Say What?

Sunday Koffron Taylor

‎"A GENTLE REMINDER: Birth mothers don't "give up" their children, they place them!" i ran a crossed this in my reader....my gut reaction is "Are you effing kidding me?” any other thoughts?

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I guess my real question is: who does that language really serve?

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Staci · 704 weeks ago

My response would be a nice kiss my hiney part. Personally, last time I checked my momma didn't place anything. The day she gave birth she told her mom she had a stomach ache, she gave birth, and left me in the hospital. If I cannot call that abandonment, the only other option is gave up. She did not "make an adoption plan," she did not "place me "in my parents arm, the house or anywhere, nor did she hold me or look at me. The only person who did any placing, was the social worker as she "placed" me with abusive foster parents and left me there then placed me with my adoptive parents. Personally the only person I think that language helps is social workers feel better about the job that their doing. *Sorry for the spew, I am still stewing in my excommunicative anger.*

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1 reply · active 704 weeks ago

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Sunday Koffron 64p · 704 weeks ago

I love and respect your spew!

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GB's Mom · 704 weeks ago

My children were left, without a backwards glance. "placed" is not designed for them.

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lee · 704 weeks ago

One of mine actually was placed. His mom appears to have really, despite some serious challenges and issues in her life to have tried very hard to do the very utmost to give him a good home and good healthy start in life. (for instance she was very diligent in her pre-natal care) However those words can't be stretched or molded to apply to any of my other children. I think it is important to use placed when it really happens, but not hide behind polite language so to speak when it is not the truth of the matter.

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seeking elevation · 704 weeks ago

Very interesting. I love how we create language to soften the impact of what's really going on.

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Cassi · 704 weeks ago

I am one of those moms who others would claim that I "placed" my son for adoption but they would be wrong. Against the fairy tale images such language creates, I did not make an adoption plan or place my child for adoption. I was afraid and desperate and I gave my child away to strangers, believing that is what I had to do if I truly loved him and wanted the supposive best for him. I abandoned my oldest son the minute I put him in the arms of his adoptive mom and I will never EVER be able to change what I did.

That is the honest truth, not the rose-colored variation the adoption industry would like us to use.

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Mary · 704 weeks ago

I guess I should have clarified in my post, MY daughter's birthmother didn't give her up- she literally placed her with us after careful consideration and researching her other options. Obviously, other situations will vary.

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shannon2818 53p · 704 weeks ago

I guess use of "gave up" vs "placed" depends on situation and perspective. Our kids came to us from foster care, so I don't really think about this very much.

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dickons 78p · 704 weeks ago

A mother surrenders her parental rights either to the state or the agency in the standard termination of parental rights form which in my opinion is a true gave up her child.

Unless the surrender identified the prospective adoptive parents within the document by name and noted the surrender was null and void if the placement did not occur only then did the mother place her child.

Very rarely in my opinion is placed an accurate description because generally the agency or state are the guardians and accountable for the safety and well-being of the child, and once the surrender is signed even if the PAPs back out the mother has no rights to regain her parental rights.

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Just Me · 703 weeks ago

With my own experience, I teeter between given up and placed. I think it depends on the circumstances and the individuals involved. Before anything gets thrown at my head let me say that I'm not a birth mother. I'm an adoptee and that's my honest feeling on it. I can't speak for my mother or what she felt at that time since she has never shared that with me but I also can't assume since I know there were factors putting pressures on her that are still putting pressures on her now. So, sometimes I am 'given up' (in my own mind and language) and sometimes I was placed. But, when people make comments like that, I believe they are usually covering something up or trying to make themselves look better not just in outsiders' eyes but their own as well and they have guilt. Sorry - that's just the way I see it.

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Amanda · 701 weeks ago

I feel like "placed" is a word to be used when someone does not want to go deeper and actually give a valid description. "Placed" is a generic, emotionless word in this context that doesn't replace a more descriptive word of the event, no matter how much someone wants it to. "Placed" could mean anything from being forced to walking away without a second-thought. "Placed" ignores the fact that some people don't want to parent and some desperately wanted to do so but surrendered in desperation because the circumstances weighed so heavily against them to give them any other choice.

We don't want to acknowledge the impact of the inequality of women that leaves them in desperate spots to be pregnant when they don't want to be and surrendering a child when they wish they had the resources so that they wouldn't have too? Yep, "placed" about glosses over that just right. *sigh*

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