Monday, July 9, 2012

I Feel, Therefore I Am.

I haven’t posted much lately, not because I don’t have a lot to say…that is for sure…I NEVER seem to run out of things to say.

Sometimes the past and present collide in ways that make it all hard to untangle and make any sense of…and I get stuck.

I took a real job last August which put me in the inner-city and put me (back) in touch with the heartache of poverty, lack of education and hopelessness that plagues a good section of our population…especially the children. It sucks. It is sad and depressing and because I spent a good deal of my childhood in foster care and a fair amount of my youth in the community we serve I can’t seem to build up the callousness and apathy that it requires to not let the whole mess depress the hell out of me.

I gotten so depressed, frustrated, overwhelmed and triggered that I resigned. I literally did not think I could walk through the doors to do one more shift, and I can’t thank Lisa enough for teaching me EFT and getting me through that. At least I am not having panic attacks every time I think about going to work.  So, here I am now working almost as many hours at a job I quit as I did before i resigned, still depressed, frustrated, overwhelmed but not nearly as triggered and it STILL sucks. And since I can’t seem to muster up the ability to shrug my shoulders and say, “it’s not my problem…” and I have kids at home I need to take care I guess this is just the way it is gonna be for me.

Sometimes I wish it were true what so many would like to believe: the myth tat those of us who survived “ACEs”, “children of trauma”, from “hard places”, “children of rage” grow up with an “inability to feel empathy” because that would make my life a hell of a lot easier. What I, lack is the ability to not see it my responsibility and the pressing urge to do something about it, which seems to come quite easily for those normal people who see the plight and pain of others as, “not my problem.”

I feel, therefore I am.

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