Thursday, June 23, 2011

“Quit being so damn arrogant”


NO  Sunday, that does NOT give you a valid point of view. You were hurt and abandoned as a child, YOU were able to cope with YOUR child. Others have experienced pain/trama/abuse in their lives as well. Others have worked their asses off and given everything, literally, for their adopted child and it's just not working... Your point of view is not valid because it is warped and tainted by YOUR past negative experiences.
You refuse to see anything positive about adoption because from the get go you see a birth mom giving up their child as a negative thing.

Storing Up Treasures: It's not your fault.#comment-230438413#comment-

Shockingly, I managed to ruffle some feathers over at Storing Up Treasures with the suggestion that a parents job is to love their children unconditionally no matter their challenges whether they gave birth to them or not. I had no idea that I was making such a radical statement.

Of course I was informed that adoptive parents “disrupt” adoptions or rather re-adopt out their adopted children (I call it dumping) for the same reason that birth mothers make an adoption plan for their children in the first place…they do it out of LOVE for their child. I am obviously an idiot because I do not get it. After all it is so clear.

In what other circumstances does that logic make sense?

I LOVE my husband so much, I always want what’s best for him and goodness knows I want him to happy. I think I should send him over to my much younger prettier friend who is a much better house keeper than I am. I know he loves me, but I am sure eventually he would adjust. And I would just go on with my life. Maybe someday, I would find a less great guy. Right?

I also find it amusing that I was accused of not being able to see anything positive about adoption. WHAT?

For the record I am not anti-adoption. I am not anti-trans-racial adoption. I am all in favor of people who are capable, qualified and (as) prepared (as anyone can be) adopting abused and neglected children from foster care. I wouldn’t even have a problem with international adoption, if all the children in foster care in this country were finding suitable homes within reasonable amounts of time; If mothers in foreign countries were not faced with the choice of selling one child to feed another; if corruption and so-called irregularities weren’t rampant; if when people were referring to “orphans” they actually meant orphans, you know children whose parent were actually no longer living. If charities that concerned with “orphan” care were spending as much on providing family planning and birth control as they were on recruiting surrenders and perspective adoptive parents.

When I started this blog, even being aware of the pain of adoption, I felt that just about every child in foster care would be better off with an adoptive family, any adoptive family as long as it was their own. That view has changed quite a bit in the past year. “Oh, those gods dammed angry adoptee spewing their ungrateful venom all over the sainted act of adoption.” Nope! It is the very own words of segments of adoptive parents (similar to the ones quoted here) that has made me rethink whether that is really true or not. There some great adoptive mommas out there, who speak up, support each other, and attempt to educate, whether about ethics, race, special needs or parenting hurt kids. I love them and I am glad they are there, for their kids and for other parents who are trying to figure it out.  It is complicated and there is a steep learning curve.

I happen to believe that most people who decide to adopt think that they are doing so for the “right reasons” and they believe that they are doing a good thing. And (I believe) adoption can be a good thing. Adoption can give a child a family and a chance of a stable life.

However when perspective parents are not given accurate information, are not prepared for the long road of healing and the hard work and selflessness that entails, when they believe that all a child needs is new clothes, food and love, when they don’t have the practical experience to sort out what is normal trauma response, typical kid stuff and what is serious mental illness they run the very real risk of further damaging an already hurt, vulnerable innocent child. Those children would have been better off waiting for a more appropriate family.  And those families would have been better off doing their good deeds some other way.

Seventeen Pillows: Rising Above The System


(I wrote this to foster children who were in the Independent Living Skills Program in San Diego many years ago.  They were compiling some words of advice from former foster kids to put into their ILS booklets. I wanted to let them know that even though things may seem crazy right now, it will get better and many of the choices they make now will impact their futures.)

Seventeen Pillows: Rising Above The System

Friday, June 17, 2011

Who Stole The Cookies From The Cookie Jar…Adoptee…That’s Who…You Little Piggie-Pooh


He stole food from the cupboard, the refrigerator and the household garbage, Hardy said. One day, the boy scooped up from the ground and put in his mouth beans that were covered with ants from a picnic-ground parking lot, Hardy said.

That, though, didn't mean the child was hungry, the defendant said. It meant he had the habit of eating everything in sight.

adoptive parents torture trial guilty: Jurors find adoptive father guilty of neglect -  Brought to my attention by The Adopted Ones

There are a few things that come up when talking about foster or adopted children and child well fair that flat out Piss! Me! Off!

One of those being the premise that foster and of adopted children are stealing food.

Let us get this straight once and for all. Consuming food in your own home, whether you are naturally born, a foster child or adopted IS NOT STEALING. Consuming food in your own home without permission… IS NOT STEALING! It may be against the rules, defiant, or inconsiderate but it… Is not stealing!

Removing food from your home and selling it to friends…now that IS stealing. Whipping your ass with my toilet paper…IS NOT STEALING, it is here for the use of the people in my home. Taking rolls home without my permission…IS STEALING.

Moving food from designated areas and hiding it…IS NOT STEALING. It is hording.

Foster and adopted children can have issues revolving around food, it is true. Those issues are a direct result of past neglect, institutionalization and is a perfectly understandable coping mechanism and or survival instinct. Withholding or restricting the availability of a traumatized child’s food is not going to do anything to help them heal. It will in fact exacerbate their inability to feel safe and secure, and keep them in biologically driven desperation mode.

The only way for a traumatized child to overcome their deep seeded and perfectly understandable fear of starvation is to make sure that they learn, over time (a long time) that they will always have access to food, all of the time whenever THEY feel hunger.

If you don’t want your foster or adoptive children eating junk…how about you don’t bring it into your home.

You are tired of finding food hidden all over their room…try what LT suggests and provide them with nonperishable healthy food and an airtight container that they can keep their own safety stash in a designated place.

Afraid they will over eat…they may at first. But over time, and it may take a long time they will learn and retrain their brain and know that they will not starve, they will not be hungry again.

You think they will become overweight…welcome to America. Again, the types of food you provide are up to you. Ironically, by the time we the public hear about these so-called adopted and fostered food thieves, as in the above case or  this patient of Dr. Ronald Federici, they are malnourished, and their ‘parents’ are being charged with abuse and neglect.

Do you think that everything should be better and your fostered of adopted child should magically know that they can feel safe and secure in your love and care because they have been rescued and you brought them home…I am sorry to be the one to tell your this, that just is not how that works.

Food is not and has never been a discipline strategy, a bargaining chip, a reward, or the appropriate focus of a power struggle; it is a basic human right of every child, even those who are adopted or in foster care!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

When I Get Old Like Your Age

We were sitting at the dinner table tonight and I was telling Mr. Sunday that I had overheard the six year old neighbor boy tell my five year old daughter that he wanted to kiss her. I told them that there would be no kissing going on around here.

The five year old says, “Why did I see YOU kiss daddy the other morning?”

I say, “That is because we are grown up and we are married, so it is ok.”

The three year old starts listing off all of the things she will do when she is old like me, “when I am old like your age, I am going to drive, I am gonna kiss a boy and I am going to pay money and buy a baby.”

*me looking completely dumbfounded*

Always quick, the twelve year old says, “Oh, so you plan to adopt!”

Monday, June 13, 2011

Maddie's Poem 6 million

This is Madeline's narrative poem she wrote for her English class. She received a 12 out of 12 on it and her teacher asked if she could keep it as an example for a reference for future years.

6 million
Madeline Taylor

6 million killed,
6 million lied to,
6 million had the yellow patches,
6 million branded.

He though this was the solution,
To wipe out the Jews,
He honestly believed it would happen,
He wanted us gone, vanished, and killed.

Not only did he take the Jews,
He took the gypsies, gays, and injured,
Yet his target was still us,
The European Jews.

He was like Voldemort,
In charge, delusional, and convinced he would win,
His followers like the Death Eaters,
To scared to do anything but follow.

6 million were told to take showers,
6 million believed it was the truth,
6 million choked on gas,
6 million fell to the floor.

Some tried to hide,
They ran far and wide,
But not far enough,
Because when they heard the Nazi's knock they knew they were done, dead, and their dreams demolished.

But the war finally ended,
So the killing came to a stop,
But the wounds were already made,
Permanently etched into graves.

So let us never forget,
The 6 million killed,
The 6 million lied to,
The 6 million that had the yellow patches,
The 6 million branded.

Madeline Taylor© 2011


[edited to add that this post was written by Madeline Taylor, with my approval!]

Monday, June 6, 2011

Closer To Fine

Thank you My Birth Name is Allison for reminding me of this gem, my anthem of sorts as I have sought for some peace with and understanding of my life. The less I seek my source for some definitive…the closer I am to fine, yeah.

"Closer To Fine"
I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.


Friday, June 3, 2011

On The Job

The last time my elbow hurt like this I went to urgent care because I jammed my finger and found out my wrist was broken...I think I'll just ignore it.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Logical Place to Begin

Something that has always bothered me is that the very same people who oppose sex education, funding for family planning and woman’s reproductive rights are the ones who oppose community mental health services, WIC, food stamps, equal education opportunities for the poor and minorities, free medical services for children and funding for foster care.

But they have no problem with capital punishment.

Wouldn’t it make more sense morally, ethically, and financially to help insure that people who don’t want or can’t manage to raise children not have them in the first place?

Oh, but there is adoption…I can hear that argument now. The truth is that people do not adopt enough from the US Foster Care System here or internationally to make that argument float. It just doesn’t work that way.

If we really want to end the orphan, foster care, and adoption crisis, here and worldwide shouldn’t all of our efforts logically begin with pregnancy prevention?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Now That National Foster Care Month is Over

May was National Foster Care Month and I was conspicuously quiet on the subject. I did link up a post to Foster 2 Forever’s blog hop, and I did a post for Amanda over at the Declassified Adoptee, other than that I guess I would have to admit I have pretty much have been avoiding the subject. It is not that I don’t care about National Foster Care Month or the state of foster care in general. It has more to do with my general thoughts on the state of the foster care system.

On some level I figured, I’d leave the happy, happy message of national foster care month to those who can cheer “we need more foster parents!” and “adopt foster kids!” Both are true, worthy and important messages. But the fact is the quantity of foster parents is not nearly as important as the quality and training of those willing to become foster parents. The fact is we do not need more families willing to adopt children…there are plenty of those as well. What we need is more families willing to adopt from foster care in this country. We need more families willing to adopt older and special needs kids.

As a society we need more not less access to family planning. We need better sex education. We need better mental health services. We need common sense and compassionate family preservation efforts. We need to stop wasting the time and lives of children with unrealistic goals. We need to understand that there are no one size fits all children and no one size fits all solutions. We need to stop shuffling children around. We need to understand that permanence and consistence are what make children feel safe and that Feeling of safety is the single most important thing that children need to be able to function as adults.

We need to start thinking outside the box. We need to think about children long term. We need to stop selling our kids and society short with shortsighted goals. We need to think about the future.

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