Would You Have Rather Been Raised In An Orphanage?

In this post I revisited National Adoption Month, sighting adoption as an option for children in foster care.

There Is Hope

I was a disappointment, incorrigible, ungrateful, unappreciative, needy, defective, and generally hopeless, a throw away kid…written off and thrown away at 11.

Attachment, How Disordered Is It Really?

What do I have to say about attachment? I am not an adoptee. Nor am I an adoptive parent. Me? I’m just a former foster child and the daughter of a former foster child/adoptee. I think I may have a thing or two to say about attachment.

A Note To My Fellow Foster Care Alumni

Bad stuff happens to good people, it is not fair but it is true. You deserved better than you got. From your original parents, from your workers and from the system, they let you down.

Show Some Restraint

Anastasia from SweetButterBliss and I team up and swap guest posts about therapeutic restraint and RTCs as staff and resident.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Hilary Cottam: Social services are broken. How we can fix them

"Well, the first thing I learned is that cost is a really slippery concept. Because when the government says that a family like Ella's costs a quarter of a million pounds a year to manage, what it really means is that this system costs a quarter of a million pounds a year. Because not one penny of this money actually touches Ella's family in a way that makes a difference. Instead, the system is just like this costly gyroscope that spins around the families, keeping them stuck at its heart, exactly where they are."

Michigan HB 4188 - 4190 Adoption Discrimination

Private adoption and foster care agencies who took in close to 11 Million tax dollars last year are asking for the right to refuse services to people who don't conform to their religious beliefs here in Michigan. Governor Rick Snyder, has previously stated that he would veto this bill package, lets let him know that is the right decision for Michigan's children who have no right, at this point to refuse to be placed in care with agencies which discriminates against the child's firmly held beliefs or identities. This was my testimony from the Michigan Senate Committee on Families, Seniors And Human Services. "Hello, my name is Sunday Koffron Taylor, I am the vice president of the foster care alumni Association of America Michigan chapter. Vice-Chair of Farmington youth assistance and I am also a licensed Foster parent in the state of Michigan. Long before I ever became a foster parent I aged out of Michigan's foster care system, and it is wearing my foster care alumni hat that I am speaking with you today. It has not escaped the consciousness of the foster care alumni community that when legislation has been put forth affecting foster children and the child welfare system the Voice of those whom these policies and legislations will affect directly Are rarely if ever consulted. In this particular package of legislation it is our belief that if anybody involved has the right to have their religious freedom and or preferences honored, it would be those of the children involved. children in foster care have a right to not be used as pawns in anyone's religious or political agenda. Having an agency that provides foster care and adoption services is a choice. Being a social worker is a choice. Becoming foster or adoptive parents is a choice. The only people within the child welfare system with no voice and no choice, is the children, it is supposed to serve. I ask you, where would this legislation leave the Muslim child? The Buddhist, the agnostic, The Hindu the atheist child,do they not have the right to be placed in homes where their heritage, culture, identities, religions and religious freedom will at the very least be respected? what about the LGBT and questioning teen who comes of age to discover they are placed with in an agency who chooses to refuse to work with people like them? What are the rights of these children? And may I ask, who is looking out for their rights and religious freedoms? It is our belief that a foster care system needs as many varying types of foster homes as there are varying types of children within it. This legislation purports to allow service providers to follow their conscience, but in reality will allow those providers to ignore the best interests and rights of children in care by refusing to provide services to anyone who does not share their beliefs. We believe Discriminating against any qualified and willing Foster parent candidate will only hurt Michigan's children." Let Governor Rick Snyder know that Michigan's foster children are counting on him to insure that they are able to find homes that are right suitable for them, not a few that fall into the narrow confines of somebody else's "sincerely held" beliefs.

If I Could Have My Childhood Back

What Adults Can Learn From Kids

Please watch this!

Ken Robinson says schools kill creativity

You STILL can't lose Christmas, Ralphie

"You can't lose Christmas.
That's it. No details. No exceptions. Period. Finito. That's that.
The same goes for birthdays.
I have literally said to my children, "You can burn the house down. We will move into a hotel until the house is rebuilt. We will collect insurance money, rebuy gifts and still have Christmas. Because you can't lose Christmas.""

You STILL can't lose Christmas, Ralphie - Christine Moers

Abusive parenting techniques to treat reactive attachment disorder?

Some more to think about during Nation Adoption Awareness Month:

Please go read this article

Abusive parenting techniques to treat reactive attachment disorder

This is my comment in the proper order:

"I am really very saddened to see members of the attachment community come out and being defensive about a situation or several situations involving the abuse of adopted children post placement. This would be a wonderful opportunity to come out and discuss what is appropriate therapy for children suffering from “reactive attachment disorder” (RAD) or more commonly post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). There have been several cases of the abuse involving adopted children and the withholding of food. Three that I can think of that it made the news in recent weeks. In fact the state of Washington was so concerned with the growing number of cases of abuse involving adopted children that they commissioned a report and made recommendations: Severe Abuse of Adopted Children Report STATE OF WASHINGTON DEPARTMENT OF SOCIAL AND OFFICE OF THE FAMILY AND HEALTH SERVICES CHILDREN’S OMBUDSMAN CHILDREN’S ADMINISTRATION. This is a growing and serious problem. The fact that so many of these cases have a set of common denominator is not a coincidence, and until we put it all together, speak about it honestly and work to find solutions to help children suffering from PTSD and or RAD children will continue to suffer at the hands of those who committed to give them a supposedly “better life.” As long as members of the “attachment” community continue to deal with these stories of this growing trend from a standpoint of defensiveness abuses with a root in “attachment therapy” will continue to happen. This is not a time for defensiveness and circling the wagons. This is a time to reassess to reevaluate what is and is not “therapeutic” and or what is or is not “abuse.” And a time to contemplate whether it is possible or likely that some suggested methods of parenting children reportedly suffering from reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are indeed coercive and could potentially if not easily spiral into abuse when employed by desperate parents."

This is what I would like every parent who has engaged in power struggles over food to watch...Food is about survival and it should never be used as control if you expect your hurt child to EVER trust you.

National Adoption Awareness Month

Many of you may know in November has been declared national adoption awareness month. Many of my fellow bloggers deal with the issues of adoption and foster care have made the commitment to write a blog post each day during the month of November in honor of national adoption awareness month. You will find links to many diverse adoption and foster care bloggers in my sidebar on the right hand side of my blog, I would encourage anyone interested in learning more about adoption and foster care to check out my fellow bloggers. I have been reading many excellent posts on on several aspects of adoption and foster care.

If by chance your fellow adoption or foster care blogger that I have a relationship with and you do not see a link to your blog, please let me know, and I will add your blog. I will also be posting links regularly through this month and in the future on my Please Stand Up Facebook page.

My hope is that during this month that we can each explore and learn from others involved in different areas of adoption and foster care.

Please Take the Time to Watch This

Musings of the Lame: Life as a Birthmother: What's Wrong With the Adoption Tax Credit?

Please scroll down to the bottom of the page where it easy to let your law makers know that we will support a bill that HELPS FOSTER CHILDREN find permanency through adoption. These bills (Senate companion bill (S.3616 ) to H.R. 4373) actually will encourage domestic infant and international adoption and once again leave deserving foster kids out in the cold! Please speak up NOW!

Let us remember that the adoption industry is over a 5.8 billion dollar annual industry. Historically, as the adoption tax credit went up, so does the adoption fees. In other words, the US government subsidizes the adoption industry this way through the Adoption Tax Credit.
In addition, by giving added incentives for adoptive parents to spend more money on adoption, they will look towards international or domestic adoptions more. This will actually HURT the children that MIGHT benefit most from being adopted, the children living in foster care. Of course, foster adoptions often are the lowest cost and with other subsidies, often practically free. So don't go telling me that we "need the Adoption Tax Credits to help all the unwanted children". It hurts them.

Musings of the Lame: Life as a Birthmother: What's Wrong With the Adoption Tax Credit?

Dear Mr. President, Here’s What I’d Like to see in your National Adoption Awareness Month Proclamation « Land of Gazillion Adoptees

Each November brings about National Adoption Awareness Month. This month was originally a State-based initiative that was founded to encourage the adoption of children (who are legally cleared for adoption) in the U.S. foster care system. It has become a Nationally recognized month, and unfortunately, it’s commonly accepted meaning has changed. Rather than sticking with the month’s original intentions, various adoption groups, agencies, and adoption facilitators alike have used the awareness of adoption this month brings to advertise all types of adoption. The misinformation that is spread as a result of aggressive marketing is only part of the problem: the actual purpose of the month is negated because attention is diverted away from the needs of those children in foster care.

Dear Mr. President, Here’s What I’d Like to see in your National Adoption Awareness Month Proclamation « Land of Gazillion Adoptees

It Really Is This Simple

As thousands of parents are deported, US citizen kids face fallout

"Behind the statistics are the stories: a crying baby taken from her mother's arms and handed to social workers as the mother is handcuffed and taken away, her parental rights terminated by a U.S. judge; teenage children watching as parents are dragged from the family home; immigrant parents disappearing into a maze-like detention system where they are routinely locked up hundreds of miles from their homes, separated from their families for months and denied contact with the welfare agencies deciding their children's' fate."

Read More: As thousands of parents are deported, US citizen kids face fallout; some placed for adoption

Have we really done so well at taking care of the children that we already have in the foster care system, that we should be creating more so-called “orphans” by ripping apart intact families?

Foster Parenting Adventures: What is wrong with the System part gazillion

My predictions for the future include the possibilities/probabilities of further placement disruptions, continued sexual acting out, increased aggression, school expulsions, teen pregnancies, depression, sociopathy, possibility of future residential treatment or jail. Because this is how and why it happens. I just gave you the recipe.

Foster Parenting Adventures: What is wrong with the System part gazillion

I want to scream! Yep, the system is broken. Again I say, there are not enough good foster homes, how long are we going to keep doing the same thing and expect different results?

Yet another case of a foster child being abused by his caregiver

Noah baby • Severely beaten child was under county watch

My comment:

“Sometimes I think the problem that no one wants to face is that there NOT enough quality people who can and will become foster parents. Instead of accepting and licensing people who “will do” are supposedly “good enough” we need to take fewer children into the system. In cases like poverty driven neglect, or the type of generational “ignorance” I see every day we need to do a better job of supporting and educating parents. When children need to be removed for safety, maybe it is time we start looking at small professionally staffed care homes instead of continuing with a system that doesn’t work OR protect children. I know nobody wants to go back to the days of large orphanages, but what we are doing now is further damaging already hurt kids. Putting kids behind closed doors with strangers with little over site is putting them in harm’s way. The elephant in the room is that foster homes don’t serve kids well AT ALL!”

I Am Here

So Proud!

Tomorrow is payday, I am flat broke and jonesing for a Diet Coke! I ask my oldest if she has any money. She says, “Yes. But you have to pay me back….

Double!”

You Never Know How They Interpret The Things We Say

They are short staffed, so I have been working “like a dog” this month. That phrase sent Miss CoCo into an uncontrollable laughing fit. Since unlike seeing me coach gymnastics, she has never seen me doing this job, where “I work like a dog.”

You know, where I crawl around on all fours with my tongue hanging out, lifting my leg to pee on things.

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As I was leaving for work yesterday morning, CoCo asked where her daddy was, she remembered that I had said that I was going to work and that daddy would be home with them.

I said, “Daddy had to go to a funeral.”

“What is a funeral?”

“it is a place where people who know someone who has died go to talk about how much they love them and say ‘good bye.’”

“WHAT?” Horrified she said, “MY DADDY IS DEAD!”

Oy Vey!

“Orphan” and Poor are NOT Synonymous

This is a FaceBook comment I made regarding the Pat Robertson video, I just posted:

As an adult former foster child I find is implication that those of us who have survived adversity are profoundly and permanently damaged and not worth the effort offensive, and clearly untrue.

HOWEVER, when we talk about so-called “Orphan Care” worldwide what we are talking about is “Orphans,” the majority of whom have one living parent and poverty is the overwhelming factor in their availability for adoption. When people quote:

“James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.”

I am always struck by the fact that it says AND, The fatherless AND widow, it says nothing about take her child, change their name seal its birth-certificate and make them “your own.”

Abused and intentionally neglected children need and deserve loving permanent homes. Children living in poverty who have parents who want and love them but can’t feed them, deserve to be helped at HOME with their family of origin where they belong.

“We minister to Orphans from all over the world, thousands of them. We love Orphans. We love helping people, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to take all the Orphans from around the world into my home.” ~Pat Robertson