The whole changing adoptees names thing made me call my mom today to ask her if she is ok with me using her name(s) in my blog. Yeah, she says, I am your mother, and my names(s) are a matter of public record.
She says she is not following my blog. She has read a couple of posts that my sister and cousins have posted on FB (my mother and are not “friends”), but she is not “following” it. That is probably for the best. She said she had to go through the same process years ago before she knew what a blog was; and even though she is not exactly happy about it, she realizes that it is my right talk / write about my experiences.
Besides, if I write a book, she will get to go on all the talk-shows and tell her side of the story. (And won’t that be fun.)
That’s my mom.
7 Comments:
Do you know what "her side" of the story would be?
Absolutely Campbell, the "story" it's self as it concerned my upbringing wouldn't be much different than mine. Where we differ is that my mother still maintains that she was completely powerless, completely, justified and there was nothing she could have done differently. It was unfair to expect her to raise kids. Yeah, my childhood sucked, but it nothing to do with her, she is the innocent victim here! How mean of me to not understand that.
Interesting... I try to keep myself somewhat anon on here because I have come to learn that if I speak up for myself in anyway with my adoptive family about how I feel and how I see things, I'm just wrong. I'm just ungrateful. I'm just being ridiculous. (That's my favorite one.) So... hush hush as usual.
Sunday, you know I will always love you. I have been pleasured to have you as a secondary mother. The words are guilt and accountability. The hardest thing is moving past the emotions of how we feel and taking accountability of our actions. Why should your mother feel she had a right to base her actions on her emotions, but you have no right to express your own or challenge her decisions. That is where the guilt comes in. Rather it has been admitted to, she feels guilt, but refuses to be looked at with distain. We have all made choices that we are not necessarily proud of, but in knowing that, we have to acknowledge and move past them to restore what we have broken. Acknowledging our errors, and forgiving ourselves for our mistakes is the only way to restoration. otherwise we are left with resentment, i.e. your mother. @ Just Me... I am sad that you would feel as though your feelings and thoughts should go unsaid, That is in no way ungrateful. I don't know what possesses people to feel they can place a gag order on anothers thoughts, ideas, and emotions. True confidence in your beliefs and actions will allow you to accept anyone elses views without taking offense. Seems to me there is a guilt in them as well. Never silence your voice to keep the peace because its a false bridge your building. Your voice was made for expression. It is what gives your heart freedom and your mind clarity.....IF USED Correctly :-)
Thanks Lauren... I'm actually just silent with them so I don't have to hear about it. I've got my own blog and I express myself there or I would be insane by now.
Sigh, there are people who are just like that, unfortunately.
If people could understand how meaningful acknowledging their shortcomings can be, especially if it's a parent child relationship.
I remember my mom saying once, and only once, a very heartfelt sorry for how she did some things with me growing up. That she wishes she'd been different, that she'd made some mistakes.
It was a very long time ago but I still hang onto it and drag out the memory of it when I need to. I half think her owning her behavior was quite instrumental in keeping us connected.
Cheers to doing things better than our moms did!
@ Lauren, I love you too Pilgrim! And well said. crazy week huh? want to guest blog about it?
@ Just Me I got tired of my life being denied. When I first talked about writing about my experiences a “well intentioned relative thought it was a great idea, but that I should use a pseudonym, which made me relies that if I was going to speak out I had to do it as ME.
@Campbell yes it is sad. By the way you have a great discussion going on over on your blog. I know that while I am blogging for myself I also have a responsibility to try to help those coming through the system after me. Foster care and adoption are not perfect, they can be much improved but they are sadly necessary institutions. I thank you and Amanda for your perspectives.
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