Saturday, December 4, 2010

Lesson Learned

The other day I was talking to my mother about one of my posts, and we got on the subject of one of my biggest pet peeves in the adoption (foster care) world…

“Your mommy loved you so much she gave you away…”
“The most loving thing a mother can do for a child is to give them away…”

(Every time some one says or writes such nonsense it truly pisses me off.  Let me tell you as the one on the giving away end it doesn’t feel very loving at all.  It feels like awful, overwhelming rejection!  It doesn’t look loving on the receiving end either it looks selfish.)

It is funny sometimes I can "get" and understand my mother’s adoption issues, and I can get my foster care experiences, and I know that a lot of her pain and inability to parent come from the pain and chaos of her childhood.  Sometimes I don’t always connect the dots.

As we were talking about the fallacy of “the most loving thing a mother can do for her child is to give them away”, and what I crock we both thought that was, that I said “How many times were you told that growing up?  No wonder you kept trying to get rid of us and dropping me off all over creation, that is what loving mothers do after all.”  I was kind of laughing, because I was over come with the absurdity of it.  I don’t think my mother thought it was so funny, but what are you gonna do, it can’t be changed now?

You never know which of the lessons you teach your children are going to take hold, or how.  So keep right on saying that “the most loving thing a mother can do is give her children away”, especially if you are looking forward to raising you grandchildren too.


Amanda said...

I think it is cool you express yourself so openly and honestly and talk about these things with your mom.

I never realized how much being told "that phrase" impacted me until recently.

I gave my husband such a hard time when we first started dating. I was unable to believe in his commitment or that he loved me as much as he said he did or as much as I loved him. I once told him that "not being left" was more important to me than being loved. If love doesn't mean someone will always be there, what in the world is it for then?

Sunday said...

Amanda, I’m not sure my mom always appreciates my candor, or sense of humor, but she is a really neat person.

I know exactly what you are saying I had a very hard time accepting that my husband was going to stick around. Honestly, I gave him a hard way to go the first few years of our marriage, I did a lot of testing He finely just said go ahead give me the best you’ve got – I’m not going anywhere, and I believed him.

Von said...

The men in our lives deserve medals don't you think? It's almost enough to restore faith in human nature!!Just kidding!

Anastasia said...

I was not adopted. My mom od'ed and my dad took custody. But I still have trust issues.

I don't think the phrase is at all comforting. I would imaging that nothing could really make up for that. But it is important that some people should not be parents and if they are mature enough to know that and not be selfish because they "love" their kids so much but end up fucking them up or hurting them physically.

Letting them go to hopefully have a better life then clutching them and they end up in the system or worse is at least a better option.

and where's my guest post missy?

Just Me said...

It is really cool that you can come out and say what's on your mind to your mom. She may not agree or appreciate it but at least it doesn't seem to start WW3 either cause that's exactly what happens when I dare to express myself... HENCE - THE BLOG.

Keep your head out of the oven and I'll keep mine out too!

Sunday said...

LOL, at Von.

Anastasia, In away I think your mom ODing is very much abandonment. I agree that some people should not be parents, and should be mature enough to accept that fact, and not turn it in to some benevolent altruistic act, that they deserve some kind of mom of the year prize for.

Girl – I have had a crazy week, I will sit down and work on it now. I’m not avoiding it or anything…LOL it’s gonna be tough.

Just Me, we had been avoiding each other for years, we have not seen eye to eye on much. A mutual “friend” on FB shared a blog post and she read it and was pretty upset about it at first. Knowing she is reading makes it a little hard for be because my intentions are not to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I can’t let the fact she is reading force me to edit my voice or message.

darev2005 said...

Not having been a foster or adoptive kid, I can only viscerally understand your feelings on the subject. However, after being a foster/adoptive parent for close to ten years I get it completely. It's a weird dichotomy. Some day I may publish something on the nightmare that ensued when we became foster parents. The whole thing left me feeling like the reporter who filmed the Hindenburg explosion. Oh, the humanity!!!

Sunday said...

darev2005, I am sure your account would be both informative and funny.

shadowtheadoptee said...

"She loved me so much", and "She sacraficed" something, are the two statements in adoption that can really set me on fire. What does that really say to a child?

And, I agree with Von, our husbands deserve a medal. I've been married for 10 1/2 years, and it has just been in the last two that I feel more comfortable, not worrying about, when, or if, my husband will, uhm, change his mind, and leave.

LeanneO said...

because I am totally unaware I have a question. Is there a difference between a mother giving a child up for adoption at birth or later on in life?
I have an adopted nephew and I can't imagine life without him. Yet, his mother saw two options, abort him or give him life. As for the third choice, mother him, I think we both agree some should not be mothers. Or at least not at certain periods of their life. I'm overwhelmingly thankful for the choice she made.
Your thoughts please, Sunday?

LeanneO said...

The more I read the more I realize how clueless I am. I will say that my nephew was 10 months old and in foster care when he was adopted. Still a baby but not a new born.

Sunday said...

A difference in what sense? I think the general consciences is that the least time a child spends being abused or neglected, the better off they will be. I think most believe adoption will always have some issues. Being kept in the family is something I think most of us would prefer to see if the family dynamitic allows it. Age appropriate honesty I think goes a long way as well. It is one thing to be abandoned it is another to be abandoned and lied too. I am no expert that is just what I think.

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