I saw a couple of posts last week about by adoptees, like these by Amanda and Von about what might have been. Based on this quote by B.J. Lifton Amanda had post on her blog:
"Those adoptees already in Reunion need help in integrating their two selves—the one who grew up adopted and the alternate one who might have been" (Lifton, 2010, p. 8).
Even though I do not have two separate families that I could contemplate what life would be like with one compared to the other, it did make me stop and think about the “what could have beens” in my life. I am certainly not discounting all of the wonderful people I had in my life instead; my nanny, my foster parents, teachers, social workers, surrogate parents, staff, the Word Family, and my friends have all been a tremendous blessing in my life, but what if:
What if my mom and dad never got divorced?
What if my mother never left us with my dad?
What if my mom had not came back to get us, and took her to live with her?
What is my dad would have paid for a nanny for us like he did when we lived with him and he worked full time.
What if my mom would have paid for a nanny to take care of us while she worked full time?
What if my mom would have left for work an hour later and got us up and out for school instead of eating breakfast in the cafeteria before work every day?
What if my mother came home after work?
What if she ate dinner with us, or at least made it?
What if my mother didn’t go to her support group EVERY night? What if she didn’t hangout for coffee with her friends afterward EVERY night?
What if my mother would have allowed my older sister to come back home to live (at 16) and help take care of us after she had run away?
What if I wasn’t (literally) tortured and beat up by my older brother on a regular basis?
What if my mom would have gotten a baby-sitter while she was hanging out?
What if I would have been better at taking care of myself?
What if I didn’t hate school so much that I wasn’t going unless somebody was going to get me up and out the door?
What if I hadn’t become so angry?
What if my mother believed all of the experts and people who told her that kids need rules and consistency (parents)?
What if my dad would have/could have stood up to his wife for ANYONE including himself about ANYTHING , EVER ?
Where or who would I be now?
I am pretty sure that I wouldn’t be nearly as resourceful as I am today.
Any one of those things would/could have changed my lifeBut…
I will never know beyond that, because it never happened.
Like Von said…It is what it is, I am who I am.
What are your what ifs?
