Monday, November 22, 2010

KIDS, not puppies!

I had run across a post by an adoptee who, in her search for her birthmother discovered that her f-mom had already passed away, this person wondered aloud if this might have saved her further pain and rejection.  I thought it was a valid pondering. 

I have often thought I may have been better off to be truly orphaned rather, than thrown away.

Even though I was never adopted I was purposely and intentionally abandoned by my parents.  My parents did not want to raise children anymore, at least not inconvenient ones.  They continue to reject me whenever it is convenient to them to this day.  That is not to say I would or have ever wished them dead because I love them in spite of the fact that they do not like me or want to have any type of real, honest, or authentic relationship with me, which by the way still very painful. 

…But if they were not around to twist the knife every few years maybe I would have been able to grieve and move on, instead of facing the pain of loss and rejection over and over again.  

I know that some Birth, Bio, First, Natural Moms feel like they had no choice and some I know personally didn’t, I know girls from when I was in foster care with who at 12, 13, and 14 were not given a choice.  BUT... there are a whole lot more moms out there like mine and Ellen P’s who chose to abandon their children of their own free will, and feel entitled to have no consequences for their actions or to have to live with any guilt about it.  My mom (in my opinion) truly doesn’t feel ANY remorse at all, and feels truly justified in what she did to me, to her it was all my dad’s and my fault, and he feels it was all my mother’s and mine. ( I was 11 years old!)

The way my mom tells my story, she says that she did everything in her power to get me the fuck out of her life, house, hairhelp I needed”; that help did not include missing a single one of HER “support group” meetings.  That help did not involve ever being home between the hours of 6am and 11:30pm (except for the occasional nap before heading back out to hang out with her “support group” buddies).  That help did not consist of hiring a baby sitter to get me at 10 and 11 years old to school in the mornings or to protect me from the persistent violence and flat out psychical torture I was subjected to in my own home. 

If only my dad would have just continued to pay for a live-in nanny like we had we had when she left us with him the whole unfortunate chain of events that landed me in foster care could and would have been avoided, but he refused.  My sadly pathetic wimp of a poor Dad had no had no choice about or responsibility for that; he had to provide those things to another man’s children (as if…  Their dad was a child support paying neurosurgeon.) 

Really, as you can see, my parents are the real victims here and we should all feel sorry for their plight.    

I guess I shouldn’t say this because it may hurt some one's feelings, while I do “get” some “birth mom” stories, all this “I was coerced, I had not choice, I didn’t realize I would feel so bad about it later” crap kind of makes me nauseous.  They, like my mother gave away their KIDS, not puppies!  Nobody wants to be thought of some shit-heel selfish child abandoner, whether that is what actually happened or not. 

I don’t know how or why any mom could think she could just walk away, sign-off, drop-off, give away any child and not expect to not have any ramifications for that.  Hell, I couldn’t even part with my eggs! (Or the dog that has pissed all over my house for the past 6 very long years!)  

But I guess since I was never adopted, just abandoned, I apparently have no right to an opinion on the subject. 

* This post is a part of my National Adoption Awareness Month, a post every day in November campaign, to remind perspective adoptive parents that there are 140,000 kids for whom family preservation is not an option, who through no fault of their own are currently available for adoption in the U. S. foster care system, right here in our own back yard.  If you are considering adoption please consider adopting a foster child or becoming a foster parent.  It could change a child’s life.


Campbell B. said...

I feel you have every right to have an opinion on the subject. It does not matter that you were not adopted. I'm sorry your parents did that to you. You deserved to be loved and cherished as a child and today. You still had a chance at adoption while in foster care. Where you ever available for adoption? Where your parental rights ever severed?

I can't imagine how painful it must to constantly feel rejected by your parents. I don't really know what to say about that except that I'm sorry. Some people really should not be parents. Some people are way too selfish and self absorbed to love anyone but themselves. You need permission from the government to drive a car, start a business, or even to go fishing, but anyone can have a child. I will never understand how someone can become a bring a child into their lives and then abandon him/her.

You should be proud of who you became all on your own. You grew up to be a good person despite your parents and everything else. Not everyone can say that. Not everyone can do that.

Von said...

Abandonment stinks whoever it happens to, you're better off without toxic people in your life.

Sunday said...

No Campbell B, I never up for adoption, nor were my parent’s rights severed. I was in care for at least 7 years. Everyone keep trying to send me home with my parents, because there was no reason they couldn’t take care of me other than they didn’t want to each had other things that were more important for them to do.

Yes, Von that is true…

Linda said...

You have EVERY right to have and voice your opinion on this subject. You suffered abuse and incredible losses, and I am so sorry you had to go through that.

I have often thought it would have been easier if my F Mother had died in childbirth, because like you said, I could have done my grieving right then and there. Not to say that people don't continually grieve, but you know what I meant. ;)

But, as you said, this game they play...this every couple of years thing is re-opening our wounds and each time they leave again, it is more painful.

Sunday said...

Yea, Linda, I do know what you mean Linda, and that was what I meant as well.

Anastasia said...

I don't understand it. At all. How can you not want to be near your child all the time? Sorry but when you chose to have a baby your needs are secondary. That's how it is.

Just Me said...

Of course you get to have an opinion... because you were abandoned, just like us adoptees.

But, I'm not sure that we got to grieve and move on versus your experience (as your post suggests).

Many of our adopters (parents) did not allow us to grieve or gave us time to grieve. In many cases, some of us were too young to understand or remember and so then we were never told that we should grieve.

And keep in mind those of us as adults who have reached out to our first parents (sometimes multiple times) and have been rejected again and again and again in some way.

I'm thinking that our (yours and an adoptee's) experiences are really almost the same.

The difference is that we got raised in two different kinds of 'systems'...

Just Me said...

PS - Great post.

Sunday said...

Anastasia, I understand it even less now, than I have kids than I did then. They are always my first priority - no exception.

Just Me, thanks and I meant if we were truly orphans, like no natural parents left alive and we knew it. Would that be easier?

Lydia said...

"I love them in spite of the fact that they do not like me or want to have any type of real, honest, or authentic relationship with me..." Sunday, the reality is that it isn't about liking you. They don't like themselves. They are emotionally unavailable people who are incapable of having the honest authentic relationship you are seeking. The only way to end the pain is to accept that this will never change and either cut them out of your life altogether or accept that those occasional attempts at coming back into your life are about them and not you. Smile, let them in as much as they want to be in and lower your expectations of them to nil. Happiness is just lowering our expectations. But as a single parent who watched the father of her child do exactly what your father did, I see men walk away from their children everyday without a shred of concern for how their efforts to stick it to their ex-wives by not giving them a dime or a moment of their time has devastating and irreversible consequences. You just had a mom that did the same thing. Even kids who don't end up thrown away and in foster care suffer when their fathers go off and leave them to be raised by a single mother who must work full time to support them.

Sunday said...

I agree with you all the way around Lydia!

Anonymous said...

Tend to agree that the fact your parents are still alive makes the missing worse because you are always reminded of the promise of what should have been, whereas when parents are gone, they are gone and one can set the burden down. It's too bad to refer to people that way but parents who fail to that degree cannot expect to be thought of as anything else.

I suppose the there is always that hope of wanting to make them understand, though. But you know, some people are impervious to thinking anything bad about themselves.

Love your blog, btw.

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

Such a thoughtful post - my heart goes out to you.

halforphan56 said...

What a sad thing to do to your children. I'm sorry for your pain. I'mm glad I found your blog. Please stop by mine.

The Mom with Brownies said...

I am so glad that Michigan laws give birth parents 1 year to get their act together. After that, the children have a right to permanency. The Birth Parents are given a LOT of help to get their lives in order during that year too.

We have adopted 3 sons from foster care and are currently in the process of adopting our foster daughter. We talk about being sad and allowed to cry and talk and shout and just get all of those emotions out on the table. Our children are still asking questions about their birth family and we've had them for 6 years.

We also talk about the fact that our hearts are big enough to love everyone...birth parent and adoptive parents...birth children and adopted children. Love is a powerful thing. As is forgiveness...

BUT forgiveness means that we understand their personality and the limitations there-of. It does NOT mean we "have" to have them over for dinner...or have them in our lives at all. That is something each of our children will have to ask themselves when they are of age. Do they want to bring them back into their lives? Only time will tell.

That's my schpeel. :o)

Campbell said...

Well, I think it's totally worse for you than it's been for me. If I compare being adopted as an infant with having had my parents(adoptive) do what your parents have done, continue to do, it would have been much, much worse than having been adopted. No need for anyone to point out that I don't really know this because it didn't happen to me. All I have to do is think of the times I was worried my parents marriage would go to shit or the fights I had with my mom and I know there was never anything in being adopted that felt as horrible as that. I got to grow up with at least one adult fully in my corner and I think that makes all the difference in the world. That adult was my dad, not blood related, but dedicated from the minute my mom decided to adopt me.

Sunday said...

Thanks to all of you for stopping by and commenting I really appreciate it!

osolomama – I loved your blog and the piece you did about foster care too!

Megan (Best of Fates) – I’m all grown up now and usually doing fairly now. ; ) cute little site you have there, I’ll have to stop back in after this NaBloPoMo thing is over!!!

halforphan56 – yes it is indeed! I have been over there I would have left you a comment but I couldn’t figure out how, maybe I was up past my bed time…Like now!

The Mom with Brownies - you know I keep up with your goings on. I wish there were more people like you good sensible people who care about the kids (and their families), know that it wont be easy and do it anyway. I go both ways on the whole time limit thing, some people will just NEVER get it together, no matter what and those kids to have some stability in there lives. Others are just struggling and could be helped more, especially where recourses and lack of education are the root problems.

Campbell – My grandpa was like that with my mom after they adopted her. Your life experience is your’s, you have every right to view it any way you want! I for one am glad you have had a good life. ; )

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