January 2011 ~ To Tell The Truth

Would You Have Rather Been Raised In An Orphanage?

In this post I revisited National Adoption Month, sighting adoption as an option for children in foster care.

There Is Hope

I was a disappointment, incorrigible, ungrateful, unappreciative, needy, defective, and generally hopeless, a throw away kid…written off and thrown away at 11.

Attachment, How Disordered Is It Really?

What do I have to say about attachment? I am not an adoptee. Nor am I an adoptive parent. Me? I’m just a former foster child and the daughter of a former foster child/adoptee. I think I may have a thing or two to say about attachment.

A Note To My Fellow Foster Care Alumni

Bad stuff happens to good people, it is not fair but it is true. You deserved better than you got. From your original parents, from your workers and from the system, they let you down.

Show Some Restraint

Anastasia from SweetButterBliss and I team up and swap guest posts about therapeutic restraint and RTCs as staff and resident.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Spam-a-Lot?

This has to be my favorite spam-ments so far, it did make me chuckle. I have deleted it two times this week:

"It's so hard to get backlinks these days, honestly i need a backlink by comments on your blog / forums or guestbook to make my website appear in search engine. I am getting desperate Now! I know you'll laugh while reading this comment !!! Here is my website penis enlargement pills I know my comments do not relate to the topic, but PLEASE HELP ME!! APPROVING MY COMMENT! Regards: Poorman"

Dude while I do appreciate your honesty, I am not gonna provide you with a back link...so sorry but it is a no go, neither I nor most of my friends posses the member of which you speak. If you can come up with a worthwhile comment that relates to the topic and mentions your penis enlargement endeavors I just may consider it. Best wishes

What are your favorite Spam-ments?

I need a break.

Mad is still has home work she hasn’t turned in. WTH? She does it and then either leaves it at home or worse takes it to school and STILL manages to forget to turn it in. Worse yet her tests and what she manages to turn in are mostly A’s. I have a whole new crop of grey hair since Christmas break. I’ll be glad to be done with 12, 13 HAS to be better…Right?

I blew Ammé’s hair dry today and all afternoon CoCo wanted her hair ‘bowtie’ and walked around saying “Blow ME now, Blow ME!!!” Obviously I figured it was best not to leave the house with that one in tow.

And to top it off Ammé ran into the corner of the wall going into the hall way. She had a huge goose-egg within seconds, thankful I got ice and Arnica on it right away. It doesn’t looks so bad now. I took a picture of it to show dad, she looked at it and “Oh Man!!! That looks like it hurts!!!” Um…well…it is your head…you should know.

These Boots Are Made For Walking

Everybody is talking about Oprah like this from Lorraine at Birth Mother, First mother Form:

“I am not the only one who found Oprah's mother's interview and reaction to her newly found daughter, Patricia, a tad...er, difficult to watch? Turn around and hug your daughter! my mind was screaming at the TV yesterday. Apologize for not responding to your daughter's plea for confirmation and contact. At the same time, Oprah's distance and undercurrent of irritation towards her mother, Vernita Lee, was barely concealed.

So, why didn't Vernita respond to her daughter's obvious plaintive plea for confirmation and contact? She wrote, as I recall, her pastor wrote, but still no response. Why? asked Oprah. Vernita said: "Because I thought it was a terrible thing for me to do, that I had done, gave up my daughter when she was born."

Why is it so hard to understand that some women don’t want to be mothers? That some women give away their children on propose? They don’t want them and they don’t want them back? They don’t pine away waiting for their child's return from their “abductors”.

Vernita didn’t raise Oprah, why would anybody be surprised that she had abandoned yet another child?

Pitricia’s mother, Vernita left her at the hospital of her own free will. And apparently she had no intention of meeting her again. And at least twice when contacted, Vernita said she wanted no contact. Some will blame guilt and shame, but from what I saw, had Patricia and Oprah not forced the issue, Mommy had no intention of playing family.

Maybe, it is a sin to say it in certain circles but the way I see it in the end, the two children Vernita gave up faired much better than the two she kept.

Some women WANT to walk away form their children and keep walking.

The Dangerous Myth of the Inherently Damaged Child

I had heard about Dr. Phil's show featuring a Russian Adoptee, but hadn't seen it until Jay at Bad adoptee posted the video.

Is it just me or is any “punishment” that begins with an adult telling a child to “get undressed right now!” WAY off limits?

This is one of the major problems with misinformation and misunderstanding what attachment and attachment issues are really about. The common misconception that attachment is the root of all “evil” when dealing with fostered and adoptive children and that attachment = obedience, is putting already traumatized children at greater risk of abuse.

I did not see a detached child in that clip; I saw a child who was screwed no matter what he did or said.

This is why the myths about RAD are so dangerous!

Are We Being Heard?

I wanted to share this comment over at PhD in parenting:

"Author: Michelle
Comment:
"We also need to keep that dialogue respectful, regardless of whether we are criticizing our neighbor, a fellow blogger, or some anonymous woman on YouTube."

If we keep the dialogue respectful then we may be listened to... we may even plant a seed of change. As a mother I am listening, changing and growing all of the time. Practices I frowned upon in my 20's (e.g. extended breastfeeding) are practices I value in my 40's - I didn't come to this change all in one go, but through conversations, studies I have read, blogs etc. maybe someone planted a seed (or several) and gradually I changed the way I thought. If the people I talked to about this were rude or disrespectful in their opinions, then I am sure I would not have listened."

I think that this is something we all need to bare in mind, whether we are talking about parenting, child welfare, politics or what ever… when we speak in a voice that can not be heard by the ones who need to hear it most WE HELP no one! We inspire NO CHANGE.

Nuttin

I had a raging headache so I went to lay down for a minute when Mad got home. CoCo came in to check on me, I said “What’s on your face CoCo?”

She said “Nuttin!”

That’s right she said “NOTHING”.

“Hey Mad, come here for a second, tell me what’s wrong…” Blank 12 year old look… “Um, her face?”

“Oh, that? …that is her crayon ‘make-up’.”

“And you watched her do it?”

“Well, kind of” shrug.

Carry on.

CoCo is totally potty trained now. She has only wet the bed twice in the past month, unfortunately both times it was after she got out of her bed and crawled into mine. I told her she had it backwards, she is supposed to pee in her bed and THEN get in MINE. Needless to say, she is back to sleeping in pull-ups…for my sake.

My kids wear, size 3,5 and 10, as I was folding clothes and trying to figure out who’s undies belonged to whom, I realized that they were all size 2/3, 4, 6 and 8. No wonder my 12 year old is having a heard time concentrating in class…she has a permanent weggie.

Does anybody have any idea where all of my teaspoons and salad forks go? And while we are at it, how about the matches to all of the gloves, mittens and to those 100 solo of sox I have in a basket on my dresser?

Don’t even start me on the pony tail holders and barrettes (which I but in bulk), these things are not disposable people!

So apparently today I am not ‘So mean that I could be the boss of the whole world’ (shucks) because some how we managed to get through Wednesday night without Amélie’s usual daddy has been gone for 3 days melt down, I am not sure if that is really a good thing or bad, I guess she is finely getting used to him being away so much.

I’m not.

When Is It Our Business?

Where does its not my business end and moral obligation begin?

That is what I have been pondering since last week’s tragic events. Immediately after Jared Loughner killed six people and wounded a dozen more we began to learn more about what he was thinking. He had posted plenty of writings and videos on his MySpace page and YouTube. It was readily apparent to most of us, that Mr. Loughner was very unwell. I wondered where were his friends and family and what they had done to get him help?

Clearly anybody who had any close personal contact with this young man must have been aware that he was in need of serious psychological intervention.

Over the past week we have learned that he had had numerous incidents at his university in which he frightened and intimidated his fellow students as well as instructors, prompting the school to send four campus security guards to the Laughner house to inform Jared that he would not be permitted to return to school until he could provide a letter stating that he was not a threat to himself or others.

He was.

CNN quotes from Laughner’s Algebra and Logic instructors:

“Laughner "needed psychological help," and McGahee said he was not surprised to hear his former student was the suspect in Saturday's bloodbath.”
Kent Slinker said: “Loughner often spoke out of turn and asked questions unrelated to the class topic, leading Slinker to assume the student had Tourette Syndrome. (Not even close!)
"I was never able to talk to him on a one-to-one basis and I did worry about him a lot," he said. "I do recall thinking I hope his parents know what's going on and that they have a handle on things."”

They didn’t.

But not once did his concerned instructors contact his parents to see if “they had a handle on things”. School officials thought he was enough of a threat that they sent FOUR safety officers to the Laugner house to deliver that letter stating that he could not return to school with out a psychological evaluation, but they failed to call Arizonian’s mental health hotline and report him as a person in need of evaluation. Neither of those actions would have guaranteed that Saturday’s massacre would not have occurred, but it just may have gotten a very ill person on the right track.

And that is the thing about preventative measures, when they work well nothing happens; when nobody is killed, when a child is not abused, when the drunk gets home safely.

Where is the glory in nothing?

Is that what keeps so many of us from stepping out there and following through? Getting involved? Making the call? Taking the keys?

We don’t want to risk looking foolish, being wrong, and overreacting. We don’t want to lose face, friendships or family ties.

Because if our intuition is correct and we step in and do the right thing – tragedy is avoided, the worst doesn’t happen, it is proof we were wrong and everything would have worked out anyway. We look like fools.

If we our intuition is on and we do nothing and the worst happens we get to shrug our shoulders and say “I told you so” and “I knew something like this was bound to happen”, we get to look like the smartest person in the room, and isn’t that worth a little blood on your hands?

When Is It Our Business?
What would it take to make you willing to step in and make a tough call?
What would you be willing to lose to do the right thing?

My super Hero Name - Foster Girl

Some times I long for old-fashioned gender roles – like when something electrical needs to be rewired, or plumbing needs to be reassembled or when my husband is pointing to the huge hairy spider he would like me to kill for him….

Calling All Lurkers and Readers

According to a few of the blogs I read today is national de-lurking day. Lurkers in blog-speak are people who read but don't follow publicly or comment, which is just fine and totally awesome! But today is the day that we ask our Lurkers to come out of the bloggy closet and leave a comment.

You don't have to sign in, you can just use your name, email address (won't be shown publicly, it doesn't even have to be real), and your blog address if you have one, so readers can be linked back to your blog. *if you are a blogger, don't forget to check the commentluv box, and enter your blog address again to create a link to you most recent post.

So, whether you comment all the time or this is your first, please - Stand Up and tell us about YOU!

Dearest Kevin You are with God in Heaven

After the loss of her 3 year old nephew, Allie over at the Fresh Confessions of a Screwed up Texan is sharing the story and asking for some help for her brother and his family. Please stop by and show some her some support. I, like Allie stated, have only caught a small glimpse of what Kevin’s parents are going threw, and I cannot even begin to imagine their heartache.

Dearest Kevin You are with God in Heaven

Just Nod And Move On!

Of all things! I came in from shopping, my family was “starving”, and so before I did any thing including taking off my coat I turned on the oven washed the potatoes and quickly popped them in the oven. Wouldn’t you know…the top of the oven melted a hole in my only winter coat.

My black down coat, luckily (I guess) the shell was two layers, so it only burned the outer black one and left the inner white liner containing the feathers in tact. Instead of a useless coat with feathers spewing out of it I have a very “useful” black down coat with a very obvious white hole on the right sleeve.

Not much inspires me to tears, I am ashamed to say, it was more than I can take!

Sure I can break my wrist and barely even notice. I can find out my toddler does in fact have brain damage, and I can relegate those tears to one day and move on. My husband can take off to Alaska leaving me alone with three kids for three months on two days notice and I can pop a couple of Xanax and deal. I can be a single, working, homeschooling mother 5 days a week for months on end, cause I am built like that.

I can sacrifice. When I make grilled cheese and somebody has to end up with the heals, its me, cause that is how it is supposed to be. (It used to be CoCo because she didn’t know the difference, but her older sisters ruined that one for me.) I haven’t gotten my eye brows done in so long I am beginning to bare a striking resemblance to Freda Kahlo. OK, I can sacrifice; I am a mom that is my job.

But the thought of wearing a coat with a gaping hole in the sleeve is more than I can stand. The only thing more embarrassing would wearing a coat with black electrical tape on the sleeve (Mr. Sunday’s brilliant solution). So if you see me on the street just ignore my tear stained face, don’t expect me to wave, don’t offer me your hand to shake. I will be walking around with my arm behind my back (ala Napoleon), so you will not see my shame…Just nod your salutations and move on.

This Must Stop!

More on the use of restraint, this is a video featured in the Huffington post Child In City Custody Has Arm Broken By Staff (VIDEO) I am hoping that because there seems to be some real discussion about the use of physical restraint on kids in foster care that we as a society are coming into a new understanding of children’s right and that we will no longer tolerate these unwarranted assaults on children just because they are unwanted, thrown away, adopted, emotionally challenged, autistic or have other special needs and or are in foster care or the juvenile justice system. It is inexcusable to physically attack a child throw them down on the ground and kneel on him, let alone break their arm when they were NOT being combative! Really, there is NO EXCUSE!

For a parents perspective please check out Lee’s post at Families R Built With Love. About how she and her wife were advised to use “therapeutic restraint” on her autistic son, how that worked for them and her feelings on it now. I found it very thoughtful and honest.

A Tragic Result of a Failure to Act

Angellika Arndt

Some of you may have read the guest post I did for SweetButterBliss about “therapeutic restraint”, so you may know that this subject is one very close to my heart. Please take a moment and read Dr. Jean Mercer’s post When Restraint Should Be "Prescription Only", this is a very important issue in the adoption, foster care worlds and children’s rights in general.

“Deaths like Angellika’s are a rare but very possible result of the use of physical restraint by professional caregivers whose actions are poorly supervised and regulated, and whose training has been superficial. Given a powerful weapon to control children who are annoying them, they deploy it at once rather keeping it as a safety measure. Indeed, their constant resorting to restraint serves to exacerbate children’s mood problems, to increase resistance, and to limit the cognitive ability the child can bring to bear on a problem. Torturing the child by repeated threats and demands for impossible levels of compliance, they pave the way for a response that ends in death.”

The report by Disability Rights Wisconsin - A Tragic Result of a Failure to Act The Death of Angellika Arndt

The use of physical restraint needs to be regulated. This. Must. Stop!

Off The Junk

So I have been a slug, slug like - hell, a sloth. I got tired of the vicious cycle of exhausted, caffeine, crash, caffeine, insomnia, exhaustion…so I decided to give up caffeine generally, the 2 Gallons of Diet Coke I was drinking daily specifically.

I had to plan it out and wean myself off the junk (Diet Coke) over a week with a protocol that would rival that of a methadone clinic’s. I barely got any headaches.

It has been two weeks and I have managed to stop the vicious cycle of exhausted, caffeine, crash…Now it is just exhausted, exhausted, exhausted…

I am sure the people a Coke have assembled a team to evaluate the sharp decline in the sales of Diet Coke over the past two weeks. Some poor Coke executive’s kid will probably have to apply for student loans on my account.

I’d like to say ‘I feel so much better!’ but, I don’t I just feel sleepy. Apparently, I need a nap every four hours…who knew?

I think my brain cells need the caffeine to fire properly. I’ll give it another week, and if I still need a nap at noon and five, I will have to rethink the whole thing…maybe a little green tea wouldn’t hurt…